I still think the best part of the Martin show was his relationship with Gina
Gina: so you mean to tell me that men dont get scared?
Martin: only when yall miss ya periods!!
Why being a girl pisses me off:
- Body: Oh, guess what time of the month it is!
- Me: Please, god, no--
- Ovaries: ALL SYSTEMS GO0O0O0OO0OO0O0O0
- Brain: I quit. i quit. kittens and cupcakes and no one loves me. oh my god salty snacks i am furius
- Me: Please, guys, calm down--
- Face: TIME TO RUIN EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER LIKED ABOUT ME. I'M GROWING MOUNTAINS, BITCHES.
- Brain: And now I'm ugly! shbdksdnksbn
- Torso: Time to practice labor. cramp this bitch up. GO GO GO GO GO GO
- Me: STOP IT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
- Stomach: lol clothes cant fit you anymore. you are bloated. you are now a balloooooooon!
- Me: I hate you all
- Brain: I KNOW EVERYONE HATES ME I AM SO DEPRESSED. we need to procreate.
- Face: Lol, i'm not done yet.
- Uterus: what did i ever do to deserve this?
- Brain: you just wait uterus. they're going to make you hold a baby for like 10 months straight.
- Uterus: You mother fuckers.
- Torso: CONTRACT!
- Me: I quit being female, I am now a llama.
- Brain: Me gusta.
Having an Interesting Conversation with You on a Train Does NOT Mean I'm Tryna Fuck.
- Dude: [after talking about a bunch of random stuff with me]. Take my number.
- Me: No thank you.
- Dude: [starts rambling about some bullshit] Why not?
- Me: Because I'm not going to use it, honestly. [I start texting, trying to get a way out of the convo]
- Dude: [catches a glimpse of the photo of a gentleman and I on my background] Oh that's your boyfriend?
- Me: Yea.
- Dude: Oh, I don't mind.
- Me: -_- I don't cheat.
- Dude: Nah it won't be like that. I know I gotta play my role.
- Me: [laughing uncontrollably]
I Love Kingsley.
- Question from a random person: How do you get so tan?
- Kingsley: I go to the tanning salon 5 times a day and I don't use any lotion.
Why Married People are Funny
- Wife: Have I thanked you for being the kind of man you are?
- Husband: Not lately, no. (Has the "I'm bout to get some ass" look on his face)
- Wife: (Kisses him)
- Husband: I'm still not sure I'm gettin it. (Has the "Gimme some ass" look on his face)
- Wife: (Climbs on top of him)
- Husband: (Has the "YEA BUDDY" look on his face)
No, mom. I go to Hogwarts.
- Mom: So are you ready for school tomorrow?
- Me: What? I don't start tomorrow. I start Wednesday.
- Mom: What are you talking about?
- Me: September 1st is when I start, Mom.
- Mom: No. Stop being silly. I'm waking you up at six tomorrow.
- Me: Why? The train doesn't leave until eleven.
- Mom: What train? Stop being ridiculous. You're scaring me. Now did you get all your supplies?
- Me: No. I have almost everything, but I still need my owl. Will you pick it up for me?
- Mom: Sophie, I'm serious. Quit.
- Me: Mom. I'm scared.
- Mom: Oh, honey! Why?
- Me: .... What if they put me in Hufflepuff?
- Mom: GO TO YOUR ROOM.
Why I Hate Group Assignments
- Me: Did you finish the study guide yet?
- Classmate: Mb. I fell asleep. I aint do it.
- Me: [thinking, i gave this nigga all but 5 of the answers wtf]
- Classmate: That quiz was crazy.
- Me: It wasn't that bad. I got an 84.
- Classmate: Wow, how'd you do that?
- Me: I finished the study guide and my notes.
- Classmate: Damn, I really needed your help. I got an 18/50.
- Me: =|
